Council Communist: You and the one other council communist who lives seventeen thousand miles away have decided to start a worker’s council, just like your hero, Antonio Gramsci before he became a tankie.
Post Leftist: You don’t exist to be understood, which is great, because your vocabulary sounds like an edgy “alternative” thesaurus achieved consciousness and then just never stopped talking.
Anarcho-Communist: Your parents thought you were goth for the longest time because your entire wardrobe is black.
Orthodox Marxist: You’re a time traveler from the 1920’s because that’s the last time your politics were relevant.
Trotskyist: You’ve forgotten what it’s like to not campaign for social-democrats. You think the best way to achieve full communism is by voting for liberals, and talking about Kshama Sawant.
Marxist-Leninist: You don’t know who fought in Laos but you know they were right and if you disagree you’re a revisionist. You have no more than 30 friends on Facebook, and at least 20 of them you met at a CPGB-ML event.
Third Worldism: You spend your days trying to get across how much you hate Unruhe. You’re incredibly edgy. There’s a 5% chance you have a Soviet flag in your room and a 95% chance you have either an RAF or Iranian flag in your room.
Egoism: You fight capitalism every Friday night by going to the bar with your friends. You sit in silence, because all of you know that language is a spook.
Marxism-Leninism-Maoism: You never leave your house without a copy of the Little Red Book. You’re pretty much universally hated, as you’re too much of an ultra for Marxist-Leninists, and you’re too much of a tankie for Anarcho-Communists.
Democratic Socialism: You either like Eugene Debs or you killed Rosa Luxemburg. There’s no in between.
Hoxhaism: You’re tired of all these bunker jokes, but you’re more tired of the terrible internet connection you have from inside your bunker.
Luxemburgism: You either fully appreciate that Luxemburg had an ideology in her own right, or you’re wrong and think her entire belief system can be summed up in “I’m not an anarchist and I hate Lenin.”
Jucheist: You’re really into Warhammer 40k, and you also have a terrible understanding of dialectics, Marxism, and politics in general. You and the Maoist can’t stop arguing about quite literally everything.
Titoism: Everyone seems to forget you exist because you haven’t been relevant since 1953. You also happen to be a middle-aged Serbian man.
Anarcho-Syndicalism: You think the Wobblies almost lead America to revolution. You think Catalonia was the best thing that ever happened and your blog is filled with black and white gifs from the Spanish Civil War. You can’t name a single anarchist from that war besides Buenaventura Durruti.
Illegalism: You’re mostly considered a fictional anarchist meme or something along those lines nowadays, largely due to the not-public nature of the ideology’s practice - and the fact you’re in jail half the time.
Anarcho-Primitivism: You’re a forest TERF who wants to genocide the disabled.
New Concept: Indoor rock climbing but instead of harnesses, you fall onto a huge pile of Squishmallows. And if you squirm too much trying to get out, you fall into the cracks…never to be seen again…
